Big Bad Ass Book of Sex Page 7

  1. She can abstain from vaginal intercourse during her period.

  2. She can have vaginal intercourse during her period.

  Both options are completely valid, and the choice can change from month to month—and certainly from woman to woman. How a woman feels about sex during her period is intensely personal and is based on any number of reasons and experiences, not least of which may be how a past partner or folks in general view sex during menstruation. Be sensitive, boys. It’s a natural thing, and sure, it’s messy, but there have probably been tons of times you were incredibly thankful a woman you were sleeping with got her period, so deal with it.

  SNAP OF THE FINGER

  If a woman or her partner is uncomfortable or uninterested in vaginal intercourse during that time of the month, there are lots of other things to do. Orgasms help relieve cramps, so a finger or vibrator might be a nice tool for making her feel better. Oral sex isn’t out of the question, but you may want to use a dental dam. Breast play is a good idea, too, but your partner’s breasts may be extra-sensitive at this point in her cycle, so ask her what feels nice.

  If you decide vaginal intercourse is just fine during her period, more power to you. Lots of women like it, and she’ll definitely be slippery, so go for it. It’s up to you and your partner, as always.

  SAFETY

  At this point in your life, you’ve probably had sex at least with yourself. You’ve probably also heard ad nauseam about safe sex, or safer sex, or protected sex, and you know what you need to protect your fragile body from when it comes to sex: AIDS, other sexually transmitted infections, and unwanted pregnancy. You’ve bought this book, and that’s clearly a step on the way to protecting yourself from bad sex, so you should definitely protect yourself against the undesirable things that can come from unprotected sex. Here is a brief rundown of safer sex tools and practices that can ensure that you’ll be doing it for a good long while.

  NONPENETRATIVE SEX: Mutual masturbation and frottage, as was discussed earlier, are both options, and as long as you’re careful and no fluids are exchanged (which can be very difficult to ensure), this will prevent pregnancy and disease.

  CONDOMS: Condoms are made of latex or polyurethane, go on the penis during intercourse, and are very effective in preventing pregnancy and disease with no hormonal side effects. The only drawback is that some guys and gals say they can’t feel the sensations as much. We say: you can’t feel any sensations at all when you’re dead. There are also female condoms, which are placed inside the vagina before sex. They work the same way as the male ones.

  DENTAL DAMS: These sheets of latex can be placed over the vulva during oral sex and prevent transmission of mouth-to-genital infections.

  SPERMICIDE: This is a jelly that kills sperm, and it’ll help you not get pregnant but won’t do much in the way of preventing disease, though some folks used to think it could. It’s great to use in conjunction with condoms, though.

  BIRTH CONTROL PILL, DIAPHRAGM, IUD, NORPLANT, DEPO-ROVERA, SPONGE, NUVARING, PATCH: all these things will keep you from having a baby pretty effectively if you use them correctly. They will not, however, do a damn thing to keep you healthy and disease-free. If you are using any of these things and are not in a monogamous relationship, use a condom, too.

  ABSTINENCE: This means not doing it. But seriously? You bought this book. You’re gonna do it. Just play it safe, okay?

  LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT

  Withdrawing the penis before ejaculation in hopes of preventing pregnancy or disease simply doesn’t work. “Pulling out” means you’ve been in, unprotected, and it’s not smart. Preejaculate has a less-concentrated amount of bad germs in it than ejaculate, sure, but the bad germs are still there. Oh, and perhaps so are the sperm, so you might get knocked up, too.

  APHRODISIACS

  Are there really foods and chemicals that affect sexual arousal? Maybe. Who knows? Whether it’s science or the power of suggestion, there are some things that are said to enhance erotic pleasure, so what the heck. You might as well try these out and see how they affect you:

  Oysters

  Chocolate

  Wine

  Ginseng

  Spanish fly (cantharides)

  Kelp

  Arugula

  Green M&Ms

  YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP

  There are several drugs that may offer aphrodisiac effects, such as cocaine, ecstasy, LSD, and marijuana, but why risk the bad side effects or jail? Don’t bother with them. Also stay away from opiates such as heroine and morphine, because they are anaphrodisiacs, which means they suppress sexual desire. Who wants that?

  THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN VANILLA

  Once you’ve mastered the basics, you’re ready to move on to some wilder stuff, right? Something a little kinky, a little naughty, and definitely exciting! Here are some introductions to get you started.

  SECRET TIP

  If it intrigues you, your partner’s into it, and you’re taking safety precautions, there’s no reason not to indulge in more risqué bedroom activities.

  Toys

  Who says sex toys are just for solo sexy times? If it’s fun for one, why not incorporate a vibrator into one-to-one sex? Some men like to feel buzzing around their balls during intercourse, and if you can have clitoral stimulation during vaginal sex, why not?

  A harness might be used with a dildo to create a strap-on, which allows a woman to be the giver in any type of intercourse. She might use it to have sex with another woman or to have anal sex with a man. Lots of men and women enjoy a feeling of fullness in their anuses during sex, and another toy that works for that is the butt plug.

  This brings us gracefully to …

  Anal Play

  If you like a little backdoor attention but don’t necessarily think you need something as big as a penis or a dildo in there, you might try rimming, which is literally kissing ass, or using fingers or smaller toys, such as butt plugs, for anal play. Some folks like something as big as a fist (hence “fisting”) in there, and some can’t stand more than a pinkie. Whatever the implement, it needs to be coated in lots of water- or silicone-based lubricant, and the watchword for anal play should always be “slow.”

  Many people believe that because of the prostate gland’s proximity to the rectum, men enjoy anal play more than women. This may or may not be true, but it certainly doesn’t mean all men enjoy it when you stick a finger up their bums. Some don’t like how it feels, and some may worry that enjoying it makes them gay. Either way, if they don’t like it, don’t do it. The same goes for women, lots of whom report enjoying attention at their backdoors. But experimenting with the anal arena can’t hurt (if you take it slowly).

  SECRETS TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD

  It can be awfully erotic to look at yourselves as you make love. But you needn’t check in to a creepy sex palace to get the same effect; you can just get a full-size mirror and prop it up by your bed. In fact, doing it in front of a mirror might prompt you to try different things, which could be hot. Seeing yourself having sex might also prompt you to visit the gym more often, but that’s another story.

  Make a Movie

  Tons of folks seem to love to watch themselves having sex. Imagine watching it when you can devote yourself to it, when you aren’t busy doing something else, like actually having sex. Well, you can. All you need is a video camera or smartphone.

  DON’T BE A JERK

  You must make sure your partner is aware of being taped and actually wants to or all hell will break loose and perhaps a privacy lawsuit will be filed as well.

  Once everyone’s on board, set up the tripod, press record, and get down to business. Knowing you’re being recorded could make that sex session one of the hottest you’ve ever had, so enjoy it! Then take a gander at your handiwork and see what you think. If it’s hot, great. If it’s not, delete it.

  Role Playing

  Perhaps you’ve always fantasized about being the galley slave to his pirate ship captain
or the shy patient to her naughty nurse. There’s nothing wrong with a little role playing—in fact, if it gets you off, there may be a lot right with it! Some folks find it lets them shed inhibitions; pretending to be someone else can really shake off those preconceived notions of what’s good and what’s not or how you should and shouldn’t behave in bed.

  Start simple: try being the teacher to your partner’s misbehaving schoolboy or schoolgirl if that floats your boat. You needn’t weave an intricate plot on your first foray; a few stern glances, a ruler, and an innocent shrug can get you pretty far with this one. Or start with something different that you’ve always wanted to try. It doesn’t matter as long as you keep it simple to start with. You can graduate to more complicated scenarios once you’re more seasoned and have figured out what you like. In fact, you might even incorporate dressing up in your role playing.

  Dressing Up

  Take the student-teacher role-playing game from above and build on it, maybe with knee socks and a plaid skirt, and you’ve got a grown-up game of dress-up. You can be as involved as you like with this. A few accessories will do the trick, but if you want to go the whole nine yards, go ahead. There are a few different kinds of dress-up games. You can dress up for a role-playing game, or you can just dress up because you want to, and these options are worth discussing.

  First, you can dress sexy for your partner. Women might go with the old standbys of silky, slinky undies: bras, panties, garters, stockings, teddies—you name it—all accented with spike heels and vampy makeup. Men might get fancy undies, too, though they are slightly more limited in their choices. Some people really get off on this kind of dressing up, and some think it’s a waste of time and effort because naked is just fine. But if you and your partner get turned on by it, why not?

  SECRET TIP

  One way to dress up is by putting on clothing not generally associated with your gender. Men might wear lacy panties or a dress, or women might put on a suit and tie. This type of cross-dressing doesn’t mean you want to be the opposite sex; it might just turn you on to dress like this for a little while. It can certainly become a fetish, like anything, but here it’s just a way to play with gender and get off.

  Light BDSM

  BDSM stands for “bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism,” and it has numerous devotees. It involves punishment, dominance, submission, and role playing in ways that often buck gender stereotypes and require leather outfits. Sound scary? It’s not. At least the “light” variety you want to start with isn’t. Like everything, it can get more involved and grow into a lifestyle or fetish, but in this section, we’re just talking about a little spanking, a little dress-up, maybe some handcuffs, and a new outfit. See? Not so scary.

  BARE FACTS

  Most sexually adventurous people have at one time or another experienced a little light bondage, being blindfolded, dominance games, or playful spanking in bed. That’s all light BDSM, and it’s all just fine.

  If you’ve never done any of this and you want to try it out, you don’t need to spend hundreds of dollars at the local sex shop or spend a lot of time researching methods of dominance (unless you really want to). Try this: Next time you’re in bed with your partner, tie his hands together with a silky scarf and go down on him. Then, while you’re going at it doggy-style later on, tell him to spank you lightly. If you’re into it, it should come naturally to you. If you’re not, don’t bother.

  If you like that, though, you might work up to outfits and rules and collars and all that. You might want to dress him in a French maid’s outfit and have him service you all day long while you occasionally whip his booty and tease him but never let him have an orgasm. He might want that, too, but you should definitely discuss it before you come home with an apron, a cat-o’-nine-tails, and a ball gag.

  QUICK FIX

  Most folks who practice BDSM have a “safeword” that one of the participants can use if he or she is uncomfortable with something that’s going on. This is done because you might get carried away in character and leave your partner behind. Agree on the word ahead of time and make sure it isn’t one that could lead to further confusion, such as “more,” “yummy,” or “don’t stop.”

  If BDSM is something you and your partner really enjoy, there are all kinds of parties and clubs and societies you can go to or join. But start slow, with a scarf, maybe, or hot wax drippings, before you sign up for anything. (If your appetite for BDSM is not sated, flip to Part 5 for a more in-depth discussion.)

  Finally, if you’re feeling really adventurous, move on to Parts 3, 4, and 5 of this book for some very kinky ideas—including swinging and swapping!

  REIGNITING THE PASSION

  So you’ve been together for a while—maybe a few years, maybe forty—and you’re looking to spice things up in the bedroom. There’s no shame in that; in fact, it’s admirable. You may have an orgasm every time, but that doesn’t mean it’s still exciting, and sometimes you have to work at that. Here are ten tips and tricks to rewhet your appetite for each other:

  1. Buy a book of erotic stories. Oh, wait. You happen to have one in your hands! That’s lucky. Turn a few pages and read a story. If you’re feeling bold, read it aloud to your partner and see what develops.

  2. Watch a porno movie or a regular movie with a few racy scenes in it if you’re not ready for porn. Select one together and make sure it’ll have something to titillate both of you.

  3. Switch it up. Long-term couples can find themselves in a rut pretty easily. Do you always do it on Saturday nights? Try Sunday morning or Tuesday after work. Always in the bedroom? Try the shower or the living-room floor.

  4. Take sexy photos. You can do this two different ways: one can take photos of the other, and vice versa, and you can share the entire experience together, which will be exciting and fun. Or one of you can set the timer and take photos solo, then present them to his or her partner as a sexy surprise. Either way, everyone wins.

  5. Head outside. Whether it’s camping in the mountains or a blanket in your backyard, al fresco sex is fun and exciting. A caveat: indecent exposure in public is illegal; be cautious and abide by the law.

  LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT

  Bug bites and/or sunburn can be murder on the more sensitive body parts. Use some lotion before getting into motion. Get some spray before having your way.

  6. Buy a magazine with purportedly true tales of sexual adventure, such as Penthouse Letters, and read a story or two. It doesn’t matter that it’s probably all fiction; it might spark some creative bedroom play.

  7. Go on a date. Dress up, go to dinner, go to the movies or a bar. Flirt with each other outside the house and talk about what you’d love to do when you get home. Then go home and do it!

  8. Add some snacks. All kinds of fruit and dessert items can sweeten your lovemaking. Whipped cream and strawberries licked off each other might be nice, or if you don’t have a sweet tooth, try champagne.

  9. Have vacation sex—even if you’re at home. Get a memento from the last time you were on vacation. It could be a song or a photo or something you wore. Talk about what it was like while you were away and get yourselves in that mindset. You may need to turn up the thermostat, but if you get into it, you should be able to turn up the heat, too.

  10. When your partner arrives home, even if she’s been gone only a couple of hours, greet her at the door completely naked. She’ll know what to do with you—and it’ll be naughty and fun.

  WELL, LOOK WHO FINALLY MADE THE

  Rodeo

  One-on-one sex does not have to be dreary or boring or the same every time. There are so many DIFFERENT THINGS you can do together and so many ways to GET IT ON and get off that really, there’s no excuse if sex for you is dreary and boring.

  Stories

  A KISS

  Tom Sullivan

  Lu works down the hall from me, and I started fantasizing about her about five minutes after she joined our agency a few months ago.

  The sleevele
ss blouses and tailored slacks she wore to work were just the start of her appeal. Her breasts looked full and heavy, and no other mother of three—including my wife—ever had a tighter-looking ass. She had a tiny, barely noticeable scar at the corner of her lip that made her mouth look like it was begging to be kissed. She wore her dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, and sometimes a stray lock would fall across her forehead and it was all you could do not to reach up and brush it back for her.

  Lu had to cross my door to get to Cheryl’s office; Cheryl was her team leader on a crucial pitch we were about to make.

  After a while, I think she noticed that I always got up immediately, stood in my doorway, and watched that lovely behind of hers as she moved briskly down the hall.

  In any event, even if she didn’t consciously notice, I began to realize that she made a point of pausing to speak to the intern just outside my door whenever she walked by.

  Alerted to Lu’s presence, I’d station myself just inside my doorway to catch a glimpse. More and more often, she’d look up and give me the tiniest of smiles before breezing along on her way.

  Was I imagining things, or did she seem to move a little more languorously and sensually these days? Was there a little extra sway in those hips meant for me?

  This went on for several weeks until one fateful office happy hour. It’s amazing how a couple of drinks can loosen someone up and make him a little forgetful about certain obligations.

  Between us, Lu and I had eighteen years of marriage under our belts. Well, twenty-three if you counted my first one, along with the five years I’d had this go-round. I also had two stepchildren and a three-year-old daughter to complete the package. Lu was working on a lucky thirteen years with an English professor from the local university, and pictures of her three girls adorned the wall behind her desk.