Big Bad Ass Book of Sex Read online

  When people talk about sex, they are most often talking about vaginal intercourse, in which a penis or penis-shaped implement is inserted in a vagina. It’s a lot more fun than it sounds, trust us.

  Anal intercourse has something of a bad reputation, but lots of folks like it. It’s not just a man who enjoys the feeling of having his penis inside such a tight spot; women and men both seem to enjoy and even prefer having their backdoors done sometimes.

  Frottage is fairly self-explanatory and touching has been pretty well covered already, so we’re going right to oral, vaginal, and anal intercourse to discuss the ins and outs of it all.

  ORAL SEX

  Fellatio is using your mouth to lick, kiss, and suck a man’s penis (and testicles, too, if you want). Cunnilingus is using your mouth to lick, kiss, and suck a woman’s vulva, including the vagina, clitoris, and labia. It can be great fun for all involved, but it can be difficult to master, and not everyone is comfortable giving and/or receiving it. So say it with us: as with all things sexual, you must talk about it with your partner to make sure it is something both of you want. Once you know he or she wants it or wants to do it, you can figure out how you like it. That’s the fun part.

  DON’T BE A JERK

  First and foremost, do not under any circumstances follow the oral sex guidelines adhered to for many years in porn movies. What looks hot on camera is not what feels good in reality, pretty much universally. Shoving your penis into someone’s mouth over and over again so that he or she gags is generally not fun for the owner of said mouth (unless he or she asks for it in a role-playing or BDSM game; more on that later). Also, a woman does not generally prefer it when you stick your tongue out and shake your head wildly while grazing her clitoris. It may actually be uncomfortable for her, so be careful.

  SNAP OF THE FINGER

  Helpful hints for giving a guy a blowjob:

  Start slowly with gentle licks and kisses around the base and head.

  Be firm when you really start sucking the shaft.

  Watch your teeth! Most men are enormously afraid of having their penises bitten during a blowjob.

  But then, some like to be grazed gently with the choppers, too.

  Stroke the shaft with your hands as you lick and suck the head. This will feel great, especially if he’s well endowed and you can’t or don’t want to deep throat him. (Deep throating is not necessary, by the way. No one likes to gag, and he’ll have a fine time even if you don’t try to swallow his penis.)

  Don’t forget his balls. A little tickle or kiss for the sac goes a long way.

  The frenulum, which is right under the head on the underside of the penis, is very sensitive. When he’s close to orgasm, concentrate your efforts there.

  You don’t have to swallow, but if you don’t want to, make sure he’ll let you know when you’re about to have a mouthful.

  SNAP OF THE FINGER

  Helpful hints for going down on a gal:

  Do not go straight for the clitoris unless she’s already very aroused. Most women are extremely sensitive here, and some can’t stand any direct pressure on the clitoris at all.

  Start slowly and build up.

  A woman may like a finger or two in her vagina while you kiss and lick around and on her clitoris.

  Try to keep your tongue soft; a rigid tongue may be uncomfortable or even hurt.

  Stubble may be irritating to a woman’s most sensitive parts. Clean-shaven or a full beard is preferable.

  Alternate between licking around her vulva and concentrating on her clitoris until she’s really close to orgasm.

  When she’s close (she’ll tell you, or you could stop a minute and ask), don’t vary your movements too much. Keep it consistent until she comes.

  Helpful hints for guys and gals who might like someone to pay them oral attention:

  You don’t have to wax or shave your pubic hair, but keep it trimmed and neat. It’s easier to concentrate on the good stuff if you’re not spitting out hair.

  Keep clean. The reasons are obvious.

  If you are a woman who ejaculates when she comes, tell the person who is down there. Not all women do, so it may be a surprise and maybe not a pleasant one.

  Be vocal about what you like and don’t like. Moans alone may not do it; you may have to say it out loud, in words. Come on, if a person is willing to put his or her face between your legs, you can use words to describe what you like.

  COMMUNICATION

  The main tip for anyone interested in oral sex is, say it with us: communication. Tell the person giving it what you like, and if you’re giving it, tell the receiver what he or she can do to help you out.

  Oral Sex Positions

  There are lots of ways to go about fellatio and cunnilingus; it all depends on your preference (and how flexible you are).

  Lie on your back while your partner crouches, kneels, or lies between your legs and services you.

  Stand with your legs spread while your partner kneels before you and worships your private parts.

  Sit in a chair while your partner kneels at your feet and pays attention to you in a naughty way.

  Get down on all fours while your partner crouches behind you and loves you orally.

  A woman might “sit on” her partner’s face as he eats her; that is, she can position her thighs around his head and give him great access to her pleasure center.

  YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP

  Lots of people like the good old 69 position for oral sex, in which both partners give and receive at the same time. This can be accomplished while both partners lie on their sides, or one can position himself or herself above his or her partner. (The latter works better in a man-woman scenario if the woman is on top; if she is on the bottom, it’s difficult for him to maneuver his penis into her mouth, and pillows will definitely be required.) Sixty-nining is not for everyone, though; some folks feel that it’s too much to concentrate on giving while they are receiving that kind of pleasure or that it’s difficult to pull off physically. Try it if you like; if it’s not for you, don’t do it again.

  BARE FACTS

  Rimming is the slang term for oral-anal contact, or kissing and licking your partner’s anus and crack. Some people like to do it, and some like to have it done to them. As with everything in the sexual realm, it’s a matter of personal preference. If you want it and it’s not happening, ask for it, and if suddenly your partner’s got his or her tongue in your butt, don’t be shocked if he or she wants tit for tat. Oh, and it goes without saying that rimming is a practice that demands good hygiene, so wash up if you want backdoor kissing.

  VAGINAL INTERCOURSE

  Usually when people talk about doing it, they’re talking about penis-in-vagina sex. Obviously, there are tons of other things to do, and vaginal intercourse doesn’t even have to involve a penis (for example, if it involves two women and some type of penis-shaped implement). But vaginal intercourse doesn’t have to be—nor should it be expected to be—the main event in a sexual encounter (especially between, say, two men!). But just because it doesn’t have to be the be-all, end-all of sex, that doesn’t mean it’s not deliciously fun and worthy of our attention in this book, so here we go.

  Positions

  There are literally hundreds of ways to set yourselves up to have vaginal intercourse. The only limits are your imagination and the physical shape you’re in. The most variation you’ll see has to do with leg placement, but here are some of the most popular sexual positions.

  QUICK FIX

  Not sure which position to try? Why not attempt one a day till you’ve found your favorite or you’re too sore to keep trying?

  Basic missionary (man on top, woman’s legs wrapped around him)

  Modified missionary (man on top, woman’s legs straight up on his shoulders)

  Modified missionary #2 (man standing, woman lying on bed)

  Modified missionary #3 (man on top, woman’s legs pushed back so her knees are near her ears)

 
Modified missionary #4 (man on top but perpendicular to woman instead of parallel)

  Rear entry (she’s on all fours, he’s on his knees behind)

  Rear entry #2 (both on knees)

  Rear entry #3 (she’s on his lap)

  Rear entry #4 (both lying on sides, like spoons)

  Rear entry #5 (she’s on all fours, he stands behind)

  Woman on top (facing his face)

  Woman on top #2 (facing his feet)

  Woman on top #3 (both sitting up, facing each other)

  No one on top (partners lie with their heads away from each other and legs and genitals entwined)

  No one on top #2 (partners lie on their sides, facing each other, legs entwined)

  Standing up (woman wraps legs around man, man holds her up or props her against a wall)

  LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT

  This may go without saying, but if you or your partner is in pain, seriously consider revising your plans. The fact that you read about a new position in a magazine or online doesn’t mean it’s for you.

  You can vary any of these positions easily by substituting a bed for a chair, say, or using pillows below your head or booty. You might like to hang your head off the bed or sofa so you get a little light-headed, or you might rig up a sex swing in the bedroom and fuck in free fall. Or you might be into a little bit of discomfort during sex and try doing it on your hardwood floors or staircase. Any of these is worth trying, but if at any point one of you isn’t having fun, stop and reposition. There’s no reason to keep going if you don’t like what’s happening.

  ANAL INTERCOURSE

  Anal sex used to be considered a homosexual practice, nothing more. These days it seems that a fair amount of women and men enjoy having some type of phallus up their bums, and they seem to like it not just because it’s thought to be taboo or naughty but because they like the feelings it produces. (Incidentally, studies and surveys have shown that gay men are more into fellatio than anal sex as a method of lovemaking.) But as long as both partners want to do it and everyone plays it safe, there’s no reason not to enjoy anal intercourse if you care to. But it’s not for everyone, and it doesn’t have to be.

  Slow and Steady

  Anal intercourse takes a lot more prep work than the other kinds because anatomically, the anus was made to expel things, not take things in. Thus, you have to use lots of lube and lots of patience to get ready to fit a penis or phallus-shaped toy in there. You have to train the muscles to do something they’re not used to doing, and that will take some time. Go slow and work up to it. You’ll also want to withdraw anything you’ve put in your anus very slowly lest you pull out more than you put in. If you enjoy it, it’ll be worth it, and if you don’t, you don’t ever have to do it again.

  BARE FACTS

  As opposed to the anus, the vagina was made to both expel and take things in. In fact, the vag is very tough and sturdy and it stretches and gets wet, whereas the anus is delicate, stretches less, and is not self-lubricating.

  Safety is also something to consider more thoughtfully if you’re planning to open up the backdoor. Everyone who does it should use a condom, and not just because of STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). Condoms will keep both partners clean in areas where cleanliness matters. So put a rubber on before you do it. Also, if you use a dildo up there, sheathe that, too, especially if it’s one you also use vaginally. You don’t want what’s in your anus to be inside your vagina. Along the same lines, don’t move your penis or dildo back and forth between holes. It’s not a good idea hygienewise, because it can lead to bacterial infections.

  Strike a Pose

  The positions for anal intercourse are not terribly different from those for the vaginal variety, but you may need to do some shifting to make some of them work. These are the main ways to do it, but the variations are endless:

  Doggy-style is perhaps most commonly considered an anal sex position, and it certainly lends itself to that type of loving.

  The traditional missionary position works, but use some pillows under the rear of the receiver so that the giver can hit the target.

  The reverse cowgirl is great, too; that’s when the giver is lying down and the receiver sits on top, facing away.

  Both partners might lie on their sides in spoon position, and the receiver can raise his or her top leg to accommodate the giver.

  Lube!

  As was mentioned above, the anus does not lubricate itself the way a vagina does, and so you’ll need to use the synthetic kind. Don’t go thinking you’ll just use some of what’s already produced in your vagina—it won’t be enough even if you produce tons every time you’re aroused.

  So what to use? Water-based lubes are best. Oil-based ones can leave a coating inside your body that causes infections and breaks down the latex in condoms, rendering them ineffective, so don’t use them. Silicone-based lubricants are newer and very popular because they’re safe to use with condoms and seem to stay slippery longer, making them much better for anal sex. The only drawback? Some folks say they irritate their skin and are tough to wash off. Try a place a bit less sensitive than your vagina or anus (say, your arm or foot) and see how you react.

  Whew. So that was the basics of one-on-one sex. Now that we’ve covered all that stuff, let’s move on to commonly asked questions and issues a person might have when he or she is having sex with another person as well as descriptions of kinkier practices you might get into and ways to spice things up if you feel you might be in a rut. Onward!

  ALL ABOUT ORGASMS

  Reports and theories vary like crazy, so there’s no definitive answer to where women’s orgasms come from. Freud thought clitoral orgasms weren’t as good as vaginal ones; Masters and Johnson talked about uterine orgasms; and G-spot orgasms seem to be all the rage these days, if vibrator sales are any indication.

  BARE FACTS

  Lots of people believe in the “blended” orgasm, which sounds like it requires a kitchen appliance to achieve.

  Men’s orgasms are often taken for granted as something that happens as easily as a sneeze, but that’s not really true. Some men take longer than others, some men hold back their orgasms on purpose, and some have a hard time coming at all. About the only thing that’s consistent for men, though—in contrast to women—is that their orgasms all come from generally the same place and the same basic actions.

  With all due respect to those who want to qualify and quantify orgasms, it doesn’t matter where they come from, and it may not matter to you if you have one every time. How important they are to you, how often you want them, and how you get them is up to you and your partner, but lots of folks enjoy sex even when they don’t come. That may be difficult for their partners to understand, especially if they’re male partners, because generally they climax every single time and for the most part it’s not terribly difficult for them. Sometimes, though, making a woman come requires more work. This is fine, except when your bedroom begins to resemble a scientific laboratory or Olympic training course and no one’s having any fun.

  Vaginal intercourse is super fun, and lots and lots of women really dig it even though lots and lots of women don’t have orgasms from it. Or at least not it alone.

  Many women enjoy oral sex very much but can’t achieve orgasm that way. That’s no excuse not to do it if you both enjoy it. This is true of all things sexual; if it’s enjoyable, do it. If it doesn’t lead directly to orgasm, so what? Orgasms are really, really great. No one’s disputing that. But so are lots of other things about sex. So enjoy them all without putting so much focus on making somebody come that you forget to have fun.

  This is not to suggest that it takes years of study and hours of practice to make every woman come or that every man will climax as easily as taking a leak. Some women come quickly, and some have multiple orgasms, which is a neat trick. Some don’t, or won’t every time, or may come after a few minutes of heavy petting one day and not even after a half hour of cunnilingus the next. Some guys may tak
e a long time or sometimes not come at all. Some may not be able to come from a blowjob. Everyone’s different, and each person may vary depending on the day or a mood or any of a laundry list of reasons. If your partner doesn’t have an orgasm and he or she is upset, talk about it. If he or she is okay with not coming, don’t worry about it. But talk about orgasms and their importance in your sex life, and be honest.

  COMMUNICATION

  Faking it is not a good idea. Most women have faked it in their sexual lives at one point or another, and that’s no sin, but it’s not a good habit to get into. If you’re faking it all the time, you’re not having much fun during sex, and you’re also lying. If your partner feels good only after he’s made you come and you’re unable to come and you’re faking it, there are a lot of things going wrong in your bedroom. But most of those things can be fixed with an honest conversation or several.

  The Refractory Period

  There is a stretch of time after a man has an orgasm during which he can’t have another one, and it’s called the refractory period. No one knows exactly why it exists, but it’s probably neurological and it lasts anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. Women don’t have a refractory period, though they may be too sensitive for further touching directly after experiencing a climax. So if your man can’t get it up again immediately, it’s not you, it’s nature.

  PERIOD PIECE

  News flash: until they reach menopause, women menstruate approximately once a month for three to seven days or so. This means a sexually active woman has one of two choices: