Big Bad Ass Book of Sex Read online

  BIG BAD ASS

  • BOOK OF •

  SEX

  Nancy Armstrong

  STERLING, the distinctive Sterling logo are registered trademarks of Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.

  © 2014 by Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (including electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

  ISBN 978-1-4549-1529-4

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Armstrong, Nancy, 1976-

  Big bad ass book of sex / Nancy Armstrong.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-1-4027-4787-8 (pbk.)

  1. Sex instruction. 2. Sexual intercourse. 3. Sexual excitement. I. Title.

  HQ31.A66 2014

  613.9071--dc23

  2014001416

  Designed by Philip Buchanan

  Interior art @Shutterstock.com

  For information about custom editions, special sales, premium and corporate purchases, please contact Sterling Special Sales Department at 800-805-5489 or [email protected].

  www.sterlingpublishing.com

  Dedication

  For Keimay, who had a great sense of humor about sex—and everything else.

  CONTENTS

  Introduction:

  Making the World Go

  Part 1: Solo Sex

  Men’s Erogenous Zones

  Women’s Erogenous Zones

  Touching Yourself: A Primer

  Lubrication: Slip n’ Slide

  Benefits of Masturbation

  Danger

  Fantasies

  Porn Scorn?

  Toy Box

  Bring a Friend

  Stories

  A New Toy

  ANNE ALEXANDER

  Video

  J. M. THOMPSON

  Heavy Breathing

  WOLF FEATHER

  Librarian

  J. M. THOMPSON

  Good Morning

  ANNE ALEXANDER

  Part 2: Duets

  Kissing

  Getting Naked

  Erogenous Zones

  Touching Each Other

  It’s Getting Hot in Here

  Let’s Do It

  Oral Sex

  Vaginal Intercourse

  Anal Intercourse

  All About Orgasms

  Period Piece

  Safety

  Aphrodisiacs

  There’s More to Life than Vanilla

  Reigniting the Passion

  Stories

  A Kiss

  TOM SULLIVAN

  Guitar Freakout

  J. M. THOMPSON

  Memory Lane

  C. M. BRADLEY

  No Coincidence

  ANNE ALEXANDER

  A Perfect Storm

  NANCY BROPHY

  Part 3: Three’s Company

  Threesome Glossary

  Quiz For Couples Who Are Contemplating Adding a Third

  Beginning the Journey

  Common Initial Questions

  Second-Step Questions

  Advanced Negotiations

  Setting Boundaries

  Making It Happen

  Tonight’s the Night

  Essential Threesome Etiquette

  What Happens Next?

  Stories

  Long Weekend

  ANNE ALEXANDER

  Photo Finish

  C. M. BRADLEY

  Spring Break

  J. M. THOMPSON

  Happy Anniversary!

  ANNE ALEXANDER

  The Boys of Summer

  TONI DE LA SALLE

  Part 4: A Swingin’ Party

  A Swingin’ Glossary

  Swinging: A Brief History

  Threesomes Versus Larger Groups

  Should You Swing?

  Quiz for Couples Who Are Contemplating Swinging

  Yes!

  Boundaries

  Essential Swinging Etiquette

  Lube Revisited

  After the First Time

  Tips for Hosting Your Own Party

  Five Fun Parties to Host

  Party Games and Icebreakers

  Stories

  Boardroom

  J. M. THOMPSON

  Swingers’ Halloween Masquerade Ball

  FREDERICK GOLDSBERRY

  Polar Opposites

  WOLF FEATHER

  Rocking the Boat

  ANNE ALEXANDER

  A Valentine Evening at Del Rey

  J. M. THOMPSON

  Part 5: Extreme Kink

  BDSM

  Glossary of BDSM Terms

  For BDSM Beginners

  Dominance and Submission

  Glossary of BDSM Implements

  Bondage

  Sadomasochism

  Fetishes

  A Note on Body Modification

  And Finally, Ick

  Stories

  An Hour of Carnal Delight

  WOLF FEATHER

  A Collector

  J. M. THOMPSON

  Back to Work

  J. M. THOMPSON

  An Early Stroll

  ANNE ALEXANDER

  Please Hurt Me

  WOLF FEATHER

  A Few Parting Words

  Sources

  INTRODUCTION: MAKING THE WORLD GO

  Sex is like air: It’s no big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

  —Unknown

  With all due respect to whoever first coined the phrase, it isn’t love that makes the world go round, it’s sex. Think about it. (Like you’re ever not thinking about it!)Without sex, there’d be no kissing, no orgasms, no new life on the planet, no suggestive jokes on television—the list goes on and on. So in a sense, even if it’s not responsible for the actual turning of the planet on its axis, sex does make the world go. And it’s literally everywhere, not just in your bedroom or hot tub or kitchen or tree house: it’s pervasive in just about every form of entertainment out there; its influence is reaching kids sooner than it ever has; and as much as they try to keep it out, sex is all over the workplace, too.

  So don’t you think you’d better have some idea how to do it? Honestly, sex has evolved as quickly as people have in the twenty-first century. It was probably never as cut and dried as some people would have you believe—surely not too many people still subscribe to the in-out-repeat school of coitus—but these days, there are as many ways to do it as there are ways to order coffee (and as many accoutrements, too!). So here we’re presenting some basic information, answering questions, giving you tips for how to get it on in style, and even providing some erotic fiction to inspire you to even greater sexual heights. We’ve broken things down into five parts:

  Part 1: Solo Sex (masturbation)

  Part 2: Duets (one-on-one sex)

  Part 3: Three’s Company (threesomes)

  Part 4: A Swingin’ Party (group sex)

  Part 5: Extreme Kink (the stuff that’s weird to 99 percent of the population).

  Remember, as Woody Allen once said, “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” We aim to answer some of those questions in this book.

  For those of you who think you already know it all—ha! You couldn’t possibly. There’s bound to be something in here you never knew or something you never even thought to ask! This book really does have it all; just look how long it is! In these pages, you’ll find a veritable smorgasbord of sexual information: everything from masturbating in the shower to handcuffing your lover to the radiator and all the delightful stuff in bet
ween. In addition to basic principles of sexuality and ideas and tips for practical use, we’ve included some motivational erotica at the end of each section, also grouped by subject. Think of the stories as illustrations of the principles you’ve just studied. (Yeah, that’s what they are.)

  Whether you’re interested in heightening your own pleasure with your partner of twenty-five years or getting a person you’ve known for twenty-five minutes to agree to dress up as an exterminator and spray you with insecticide, this is your guide. There’s always more to learn about the world’s favorite subject.

  ASSORTED DISCLAIMERS

  Although there are jokes throughout this book about any number of sexual situations and inclinations, we mean to go at this in a way that is open-minded and not judge anyone’s preferences or predilections. As long as no one gets hurt who doesn’t want to, it’s okay by us.

  As you read through this menu of delights, you may notice that there are more “every woman is different” caveats than there are “every man is different” warnings. That’s because the mechanics for men are basically the same, whereas women experience orgasms in a couple of different ways. That doesn’t mean that all men like the same things, and it doesn’t always mean that women are more complicated than men or that something that got one woman off won’t work with another.

  It’s important to remember as you read that every person is different both anatomically and in what turns him or her on. This also means that the fact that something works with one partner or group doesn’t mean that it will work with another. Explore. Ask. That’s the fun of it.

  The stories in this book are meant as fantasies to get you off. They are not necessarily how-to guides. For instance, we demand that you practice safe sex, especially as you add more and more people to the scenario; however, in many of the stories, semen is flying everywhere and the characters aren’t always being as careful as they should.

  Please, approach everything in this book (or at least everything you choose to approach in this book) with a healthy sense of humor … and hygiene.

  Part 1:

  Solo Sex

  Don’t knock masturbation—it’s sex with someone I love.

  —Woody Allen

  In general, folks get pretty embarrassed when the topic of solo sex play comes up. For whatever reason, although touching yourself is possibly the most natural, normal thing you can do, there has been a stigma attached to masturbation for as long as most people can remember. In the 1800s, it was widely believed that touching your own sex organs damaged your health, and most of Western civilization is familiar with Sigmund Freud’s theories regarding the stages of sexual development: he thought that masturbation was child’s play and that if people continued touching themselves into adulthood, their development would be stunted somehow. If you ask a random sampling of your acquaintances about their masturbatory history, in addition to the several slaps and guffaws you’re likely to get, you’ll probably encounter blushing, guilty faces, and denials aplenty.

  BARE FACTS

  Masturbation, strictly speaking, is the act of touching oneself sexually to achieve heightened pleasure or orgasm. It’s been called any number of things down through the ages, but most of the nicknames refer to what men do with their penises when they’re alone: choking the chicken, jerking off, beating the meat, spanking the monkey, and on and on. For women, the euphemisms aren’t nearly as colorful—or as violent: fingering, petting the kitty, diddling, and so on. Regardless of what you call it, though, it’s fun, free, and harmless to yourself and others. How many things in this world can we say that about?

  As far as stats on who masturbates, there’s no authoritative number, largely because of the embarrassment factor, but it’s safe to assume that in this day and age, most people have fiddled around with themselves at least a little bit. And why not? Touch is the first sense we develop as human beings, and touching ourselves just feels good. Mae West said, “An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away,” but what if you’re single? Or involved but unable to come with a partner? Or bored? Or having trouble sleeping? According to conventional wisdom, simply wank away. Plus, how will you ever know what you like (and be able to tell someone else) if you don’t experiment a little?

  SNAP OF THE FINGER

  Forget the Ambien. In addition to the pleasure derived from masturbation, it’s a natural sleep aid.

  Whether you’re a boy or a girl, strip off your clothes, get a mirror or stand or sit near one, and take a good look at yourself. There’s nothing gross or icky about your own parts—they came with your body and can do some amazing things, including give you (and perhaps others) intense pleasure. But before we get to the—ahem—meat of things, a quick rundown of the equipment.

  MEN’S EROGENOUS ZONES

  There are all sorts of areas on a man’s body that are nice to stroke and kiss, but when he’s playing with himself, here’s where his attention will usually be focused:

  The penis is the main one, obviously, and in general it doesn’t have to be treated delicately. Most men touch themselves roughly (as evidenced here in the list of popular nicknames for male masturbation). The frenulum is particularly sensitive; it’s the area right under the head on the underside.

  Some men’s nipples are very sensitive, and some aren’t. It will be delightful to figure out your own sensitivity.

  Lots of men like their testicles played with, and lots play with their own whenever they get the chance.

  The perineum is the strip of skin between the scrotum and the anus, and it may be nice to touch. It also may be ticklish.

  Some men may like a finger in the anus; some may not. Some really may not.

  Stroking an inner thigh may intensify good feelings for a man.

  WOMEN’S EROGENOUS ZONES

  A woman’s body is a veritable minefield of fun spots to touch and tickle. She’ll probably concentrate her energies on these parts when she’s doing herself, though:

  The clitoris is at the top of the vulva and is the only piece of human anatomy—male or female—whose purpose is purely for pleasure. So use it! Women are pretty different when it comes to how hard or soft they can stand to be touched here, so start slowly.

  Lots of women tug or rub their nipples while masturbating.

  The statistics are all over the place regarding whether women’s orgasms originate in the vagina or elsewhere. We say, Who cares? If you like touching yours or inserting a finger or toy while pleasing yourself, go for it. The G-spot is just inside the vagina, at the top, and some women claim that orgasms originating there are the most intense.

  The labia majora and minora (the outer and inner lips of the vulva) are sensitive areas for a lot of women. Some stroke or pull on them while masturbating.

  The perineum is the strip of skin between the vagina and the anus and is highly sensitive.

  Whether she likes a finger or toy in her anus is a very personal choice each woman must make for herself.

  A woman may stroke her inner thigh sometimes while she gets herself off.

  Finally, perhaps the most important erogenous zone for men and women is … the brain! That’s right, if the old noggin’s not into it, nothing else will be either. It is very important not to discount the importance of thoughts and feelings as they relate to sex and orgasms and all that good stuff. Granted, you might not always be thinking about them when you come, but what goes on in your brain has the ability to heighten or lessen every sexual experience you have whether you’re by yourself or with another person or several. Use it!

  STRETCHING THE TRUTH

  There is a road in Wales called Cae Onan, which translates to “Masturbation Meadow.” Citizens there are petitioning the town council to change the name; though they admit it’s sort of amusing, mostly they are—you guessed it—embarrassed.

  TOUCHING YOURSELF: A PRIMER

  Some people start touching themselves when they’re little kids, figure out what they like early, and keep up a healthy exploration of their sexuality t
hroughout their lives, with no one telling them that they shouldn’t masturbate or that touching themselves is wrong or bad for any reason. Lucky folks. There are a whole lot of people, however, who for whatever reason are uncomfortable touching themselves at all or even broaching the subject of masturbation. This can be for all kinds of reasons, from prohibitive parents, to religious teachings, to unfamiliarity with their own bodies, to abuse, or it can be for no discernible reason at all. Whatever the case, getting familiar with your own body and what feels good to you is a beneficial exercise regardless of your age or level of experience, sexual or otherwise. Here are some tips for getting acquainted—or reacquainted, as the case may be—with that most useful and arguably most fun personal asset: your body.

  LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT

  Although most modern religions consider masturbation a sin, the Hebrew and Christian bibles are completely silent on the matter. And if you’re considering committing some sort of depraved act and masturbation will keep you from doing anything stupid, some Islam teachings say you should go for it.

  1. Make sure you are in a place where you feel comfortable, with a privacy level that encourages you to be uninhibited and free. You might try your bedroom or bathroom with the door locked or do it when no one else is home. Also, give yourself enough time to really get in touch with yourself; you should allow at least an hour for this, if not more. There is no rush when you’re learning what you like (though you may feel a certain urgency as you get going).

  YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP

  If you don’t live alone, coordinate everyone’s calendar before settling in for some self-loving.

  2. Adjust the lighting so that it is not too harsh. A bedside lamp or candle is probably preferable to an overhead light or spotlight. Adjust the temperature in the room so that you will be comfortable completely naked. (Oh, yeah, you’re getting totally nude for this exercise. It’s required.) Keep in mind that once your blood gets going, you may get a bit overheated. That’s fine—and even encouraged!

  3. Strip. Take off everything. Do it.

  4. If you like, get in a warm bath or hot shower or under the covers. Whatever makes you feel the most relaxed is what you should do.