Big Bad Ass Book of Sex Read online

  5. Once you’re comfortable in your preferred place, start with some really deep breathing. Try breathing in while counting slowly from one to ten and then exhaling while counting back from ten. Do this several times—though not to the point of light-headedness. The objective is to be relaxed, not breathless (yet).

  6. You may fantasize or not while you do this exercise. It’s up to you. You will want to concentrate at certain points to see what feels good to you, though, so don’t feel that you have to strictly stick to your fantasy.

  7. Start by stroking your arms and belly, maybe, or running your fingers up your sides or through your hair. Don’t go straight for your genitals; warm yourself up a bit first. Focus on other body parts for several minutes before moving on.

  8. Touch your nipples. Try pulling on them or rubbing them in a circular motion. You might lick your fingers before you touch your nipples or try some other form of lubrication. (Further discussion of lube can be found in the next section.)

  9a. Men: Some men swear by lube; others never use it. It’s up to you, but this is the point at which you ought to decide. Once you’ve taken some time with your nipples, move to your penis and testicles. Grasp the shaft and stroke in an up-and-down motion with a slightly loose fist. Start slowly and work up speed. Tug on your scrotum; run a finger up your perineum; rub against a pillow, a towel, or your mattress. If you like, touch your anus a bit. Do everything slowly at first, until it feels as though you need to speed up. Then do so. Continue doing whatever feels good to you until you can’t stand it anymore and then let yourself go. Some men keep stroking themselves through orgasm, and some stop when they start to ejaculate. You can do whatever feels good to you. That’s the beauty of being alone.

  BARE FACTS

  Make your own rules as you practice, the only tried-and-true rule being to ride it out in whatever way feels best.

  9b. Women: Use some lubrication on your fingers. Your own Mother Nature–provided wetness is fine, or it can be saliva if you’re not quite there yet. Run your fingers lightly all over your vulva—touch both sets of lips, run your fingers through your pubic hair (if you have any), tweak your clitoris, slip a finger or two inside your vagina. Let your hands travel up and down your inner thighs, keep working on your nipples, and run a finger around your clitoris. Keep it slow in the beginning. When you feel that you must go faster, do so. Keep doing what feels good until the pressure builds to the point where you let yourself go over the edge and have an orgasm. Keep stroking or stop and just press the area around your clitoris.

  SECRET TIP

  Lots of people have a favorite position when it comes to sex—with or without a partner. Common masturbatory positions for a woman include lying on her back, lying on her stomach with a pillow between her legs, sitting in a chair facing forward or backward, and sitting on top of the washing machine with it set to the spin cycle. Common positions for men include the same, but instead of sitting on the washing machine, a man might stand up in the shower and spank it. Try a few and see what works for you.

  LUBRICATION: SLIP N’ SLIDE

  A question that might arise at this point concerns the best way to get nice and slippery for your solo adventure, assuming your own natural juices aren’t giving you quite enough glide. Keep in mind here that lubrication comes in many different types and that lubes that are good for alone time are not always so great for sex with a partner (especially if condoms are involved). So this is a guide to lube for masturbation only. Refer to the lubrication sections in the following parts when you’re ready to move on to slippery partners.

  The best lube for most sex, solo or otherwise, is the water-based kind, of which K-Y® is probably the most famous. There are a slew of types these days—ones that warm up and ones that tingle and anything else you can think of. You can buy lubrication just about anywhere, from the drugstore to the truck stop, so there’s no excuse not to have some when you need it. Astroglide® is also very popular.

  SNAP OF THE FINGER

  Your own saliva is also effective as a lubricant. If you think it’s gross to use your spit for sex, you don’t have to, but keep in mind that what you’re doing is pretty personal, and definitely all natural, and saliva is, in fact, all natural. It’s also always available unless it’s the morning after a wild and crazy night and you have a mean case of cotton mouth.

  When you’re getting yourself off and you’re a man, you can use any number of household products to grease your path, as it were. Any kind of vegetable oil works just fine, as does baby oil or mineral oil, hand lotion, and Vaseline®, but these are very messy and, depending on the product, might irritate your skin.

  DON’T BE A JERK

  Do not under any circumstances use the lubricants discussed in this section when you are using condoms with a partner to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. They will compromise condoms.

  For women, the household products that can be used are somewhat more limited, because they can get in and harm the delicate balance that exists inside their vaginas, causing possible infections. A lot of water-based lubes aren’t good for the ladies, either, because they contain glycerin, a form of sugar that can cause yeast infections.

  A popular type of lube that’s on the rise, so to speak, is silicone-based. It is latex-free and seems to keep its slipperiness longer than do other kinds of lube.

  However you decide to augment the lubrication Mother Nature has provided for you, keep in mind that lubes designed for sex are the best for sex, and you should check into anything you intend to put on or in your body. Read the labels.

  BENEFITS OF MASTURBATION

  At this point, you may be asking yourself, Yeah, well, what’s so great about masturbation? I have a lover; I don’t need to get myself off. The simple answer is, good for you.

  The slightly longer, more interesting answer for the more thoughtful person is this: touching yourself isn’t just a fun time had by all involved. It gives you specific time in which to be with just yourself and learn about your own response. It’s also a great way to figure out what you like when it comes to sex with a partner. Heck, failing all that, it’s a pretty great cure for insomnia.

  Masturbating may help a man control his response when he’s with a partner. He may be able to last longer or come more quickly if length of intercourse is an issue with his partner. Touching herself may make a woman more comfortable letting go, making it easier for her to achieve orgasm with or without a partner. And for both men and women, it’ll teach them how to teach another person how to touch them in a way that feels splendid.

  DANGER

  Autoerotic asphyxiation occurs when a person deliberately restricts his or her own breathing right before or during orgasm while masturbating. Whether the heightened arousal comes from the danger of losing consciousness as a result of being unable to breathe or from actually being short of breath is unclear, but either way, this is a bad idea. It is safe to say that as you approach orgasm, you may not be thinking terribly clearly, and it is very unsafe to try to limit a bodily process that literally keeps you alive—at any time and certainly on the mind-blowing road to orgasm. Don’t do it.

  Self-bondage while masturbating is also not the smartest move unless you are absolutely certain someone will find you quickly should you be unable to loosen your self-imposed restraints. As the name implies, this is when a person ties himself or herself up when going solo. It is often combined with autoerotic asphyxiation, and the two together have caused more than a few experimenters’ untimely demise. We’re all for ingenuity and imagination when it comes to playing around with solo sex, but these practices are too dangerous for us to endorse. Play it safe and steer clear of them.

  LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT

  When it comes to helping your masturbatory life grow and evolve, fantasies are the best nutrient.

  FANTASIES

  As far as guidelines for your fantasy life, there aren’t any. Fantasies are just that: fantasy. There is no reason to limit yours
elf to things that could actually happen, because in most cases, what happens in your fantasies will stay there forever.

  So no matter how weird or outlandish or violent or potentially embarrassing your fantasies seem to you, you needn’t be ashamed of them or worry about what they say about you or your sexuality. The only point at which you need to rethink this is if you’re considering making one of your fantasies a reality or want to share the intimate details of your favorite wank scenario with another person.

  This is where things get slightly more complicated. Generally what goes on in people’s minds while they touch themselves stays in their minds, and they are content to have fantasies remain fantasies. This is the spirit in which fantasy sharing should be approached. Of course, if you’re content to keep your masturbatory fantasies to yourself, that’s your prerogative, and it should be respected.

  COMMUNICATION

  If your wife blurts out that she was thinking about riding a dog naked while you two were making love, do not be too alarmed—or judgmental, either. This doesn’t mean she wants to raid the local pet store or that you should call the ASPCA because your neighbor’s Pekingese is in danger. It means that one time (or more than once), it may have crossed her mind that something seemingly dirty or decidedly out of the ordinary was kind of hot and got her off.

  If you are thinking about actually acting on a fantasy, a bit more caution should be taken. Things such as safety, comfort level, and all parties’ acquiescence should be at the top of your essentials list for acting out a fantasy. Under no circumstances should any fantasy that is dangerous to or against the will of any involved party be attempted. More discussion of specific fantasies comes later in this book, so look there for other lists of essential items in fantasy play (bondage, role playing, domination, threesomes, swinging, etc.).

  PORN SCORN?

  Visual and written representations of sexual congress have been around practically since the beginning of time. From the ancient Romans to the Kama Sutra to Victorian smutty novels (everyone needs a good rogering!), our forefathers enjoyed looking at or reading about lusty scenarios. And we still do. Whether you prefer Penthouse or Playgirl, erotic stories like those found in this book, good old-fashioned VHS/DVD porn, or any of millions of Internet sites devoted to every aspect of sex you can think of (and some you probably never wanted to), there’s something scintillating for everyone. And everyone has his or her opinion on what porn is and isn’t. But for our purposes, we’re talking about any written or visual display that’s meant to titillate and excite people in a sexual way.

  SECRETS TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD

  If Internet porn is your thing but you share your computer with others, consider using the Google Chrome browser’s Incognito function. The pages viewed with Incognito don’t appear in your browser history or search history, and they don’t leave cookies on your computer. This lets you enjoy the action without worrying about anyone in your home mistakenly clicking on sluttychix.com.

  Probably the main reason most people enjoy erotica and pornography is that these things provide inspiration for getting themselves off while they’re alone. (It might be fun to share with a loved one, too, but that’s something for the next section.) This is a fine thing to do; there is nothing to be ashamed of, although folks seem to learn as soon as they find out about porn that it should be hidden. The stigma against porn is probably rivaled only by the stigma attached to masturbating at all, so it stands to reason that porn is looked at as something shameful or dirty. (And some of it is.) But pornography and erotica can, in general, serve an important purpose in sexual development.

  These titillating displays can help us learn about what turns us on and what doesn’t and also provide an outlet for us to vicariously live out fantasies that we wouldn’t actually want to experience. The trouble with porn arises when it takes the place of interactions with others or becomes an obsession or addiction. It’s also not the best standard (an understatement) to follow when you’re looking to learn about how to have a healthy, equal, honest relationship—if anyone goes to porn for that. But as a masturbatory aid, fantasy visualizer, or sexual experimenting device, it’s just fine.

  TOY BOX

  Once you’ve become comfy with your body and touching it all over and making yourself feel good in ways you may not have before (and you’re wondering why you haven’t always been doing this fun, free, really fun activity), you may want to branch out and try some other exciting ways to entertain yourself. In other words, you may enjoy using some props to enhance the experience.

  Here’s some fun stuff you won’t find at the usual toy store, stuff that’s meant for adults only, but it’s way more amusing than Barbie dolls or LEGOs. (Well, fun in a different way, anyway. We hope.)

  First up, vibrators. These are objects that require batteries or electricity, which makes them buzz and feel good around or inside your genitals. Generally women use them, but men sometimes may like a little vibe in the butt or buzzing around the balls. They come in so many different forms and shapes and sizes, there’s literally a type for everyone. Some are small and mainly for use on and around the clitoris, and others are more penis-shaped and meant for insertion into the vagina. Still others have a piece that goes into the vagina and another piece that buzzes around the clitoris at the same time. Another fun kind has a penislike part for the vagina and a smaller part for the anus. Pretty much if you can imagine it, a sex shop or online store will have it. Go wild!

  QUICK FIX

  Hit the produce aisle if you’re looking for some quick action. Cucumbers, carrots, zucchini, and other long, hard veggies make great dildos. Wash off the veggies first and consider using a condom if the veggies aren’t organic. Warning: don’t use for anal penetration since any part of the veggie that breaks off will be difficult to retrieve.

  Next, dildos. These are generally penis-shaped and are used by men and women, straight and gay. Unlike vibrators, they don’t require batteries or electricity, so they are safe for shower or bath play, and like vibrators, they are made in so many shapes and sizes that it would be impossible to list them all here. They generally are meant for insertion into the vagina or anus, and some are double-headed, some can be strapped on (hence the name strap-on), and some have a suction cup at the end so that you can affix them to a surface for hands-free (or hands-otherwise-occupied) entertainment.

  Shower heads, hot tub jets, and water streams make good masturbation enhancements as well. Just be careful not to shoot a fast stream of water directly into a woman’s vagina, because that can be dangerous.

  If a man wants to simulate having sex with a woman, he might try a pocket pussy, which is just what it sounds like, though it looks kind of gross. The more expensive they are, the more lifelike they feel, according to unconventional wisdom.

  Some men may want to prolong an erection as they masturbate, and that’s what a cock ring is for. Some models have attachments and protruding bits that are for stimulating a partner’s clitoris, but they generally are not used for masturbatory purposes.

  Butt plugs are toys that may be used in masturbation, although they are probably more commonly used in anal exploration among couples, because their usual purpose is to keep the anus dilated, or stretched, so that a penis or dildo can go in a bit more easily. Still, some folks may like the feeling of fullness in the anus while they play with themselves.

  Other props might come into play during masturbation, such as bottles or rubber gloves or even food. Literally everything under the sun probably has been used in sex play, and we just can’t list all of it. But use your common sense and be safe about what you experiment with in the realm of toys and props for masturbation. A good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn’t want it in your mouth, don’t put it near your private parts either.

  YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP

  Recently, there has been a development in the world of sex toys that’s cause for celebration. Sex toy parties—in which a salesperson comes to your home with samples and dem
onstrations and you can buy whatever items you want in relative privacy—have really taken off in the last few years, much to the delight of women everywhere. Called Fuckerware or Passion Parties, they work much like the Tupperware parties of yore: a group of friends (generally women) get together in someone’s home, and a representative comes over with a box o’ fun and shows the goods. Then everyone can go into a separate room and buy whatever he or she wants from the representative, away from the prying eyes of the other partygoers. These parties are tons of fun and can be very useful, especially if you are embarrassed to go to that XXX sex shop out on the edge of town.

  BRING A FRIEND

  Although masturbation is very much a solo sport, lots of folks like to practice mutual masturbation, which consists of touching yourself in the presence of another person who is touching himself or herself. Sometimes the participants also may touch each other. This may be done as part of foreplay, or it may be the main course. Either way, it can be very pleasurable and a great way to learn about your own and another person’s turn-ons or turn-offs.

  You might be asking, Well, if you’ve got another person to be naked with, why wouldn’t you just have intercourse? A reasonable question, assuming that intercourse is always the goal and that all parties emerge from it feeling sexually fulfilled and happy. Sometimes you may not feel like “going all the way” or may want to really explore touching and what feels good to you and your partner in terms of “hands-on” attention. It’s a good experiment.

  Or you may be concerned about pregnancy or disease, and mutual masturbation is a way to achieve orgasm and closeness with another person without taking a risk. You might just want to try something different. Why not? It’s your body. Have fun with it.